Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconindigo-mouse: More from indigo-mouse


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 12, 2013
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
146
Favourites
15 (who?)
Comments
3
×
this is the gospel of you:

i lay there,
naked and mortal and
starry-eyed,

and you,
crouched with large dark pupils,

you,
a nymph and a priestess and a vision,

you,
my muse who breathed soft wonderings,

baptized me
on a bath mat
with a plastic yellow bucket.

you poured the water over my breasts and collar bone
and it was holy, holy, holy.
the tarot card
:iconayeaye12:
AyeAye12 Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Student Writer
The whole metaphor comparing sex to Christianity seems contradictory, but you've really pulled it off here into somethign ingeious :3

I agree with toxic-nebulae above, though. "starry-eyed" is cliche, and is weak compared to the rest of the beautiful poetry. 
Maybe try and fit in the Christianity-metaphor into that line, perhaps? ("revelations in eyes" or "God in my eyes" or something.)
Reply
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2013  Student Writer
"starry-eyed" strikes me as a bit of a cliche
but I really love the rest of this
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Checking back in. I see nobody has commented on this. Boo. That is a shame.

The last two stanzas alone are worth comment. I love the way this ends. :heart:
Reply
Add a Comment: